Shadows Beneath the Sunshine

Daisy (pseudonym), a woman in her thirties, has shiny black hair and a broad smile that perfectly matches her sunny disposition. She was born in St. Louis, Missouri, though her parents decided to move to the San Francisco Bay Area when Daisy was two years old. Both of Daisy's parents immigrated from China. Her father arrived in the United States around the early 1970s, moving between several states in the Midwest before settling in St. Louis and becoming a part owner of a Chinese restaurant. Eventually, he met Daisy's mother through an arranged marriage. She came to St. Louis to marry him, and together they planned to raise a family.

Daisy's parents were loving and kind. Daisy remembers going to the doctor to get painful booster shots, and her mother preparing a bag of hot water to soothe the pain and artfully distracting her by playing cards with her. Daisy's parents were also hardworking and frugal. They rarely went on vacations or splurged on unnecessary luxuries. They "devoted their entire lives" to their small business, a family-owned Chinese takeout restaurant similar to the one they ran in St. Louis. Along with one other business partner whom Daisy fondly refers to as her "auntie," Daisy's parents bought and opened the restaurant in 1986.

Much of Daisy's childhood revolved around her family's busy restaurant. In fact, her earliest memory is walking with her mother at dusk in the parking lot behind the restaurant building. As Daisy grew older, she gained more responsibility by working various roles at the restaurant, quickly befriending and charming the city locals. From as early as the second grade, Daisy would serve guests and take their orders. When she was tall enough to reach the food counter, she would scoop the fragrant hot food for takeout orders and carefully count the customers' money. Daisy would also deliver food to neighboring businesses and other regular patrons. Some she saw every week or even every day. Most often, young Daisy would bring food to the bar next to her family's restaurant. The patrons were appreciative and would tip Daisy for her delivery service. Her mother set aside Daisy's tip earnings into a savings account for Daisy to access when she was older.

Daisy loves the simplicity of her childhood in the 1990s – a time before social media and technology were widespread. Sometimes, she reminisces by going on YouTube and watching commercials from that era. However, Daisy also remembers difficulties in her early years of school.

Early in her childhood, Daisy was extremely shy. She did not have many friends in first grade, and was "always picked last" when teachers had students partner up to complete a project. As Daisy did not have any close friends, her teacher would assign her a partner or group, which made her feel very awkward. By second grade, however, Daisy became more comfortable socially and began gaining more friends. She felt more confident and would speak up in class. Nevertheless, a girl her own age singled out Daisy for harassment. Every time the bully saw Daisy at recess, she would run over to her and pinch her. During lunchtime, Daisy would spend the hour hiding in the bathroom to avoid encountering her bully. When the bell rang, Daisy would furtively run into her classroom so that her bully would not see her. Daisy is uncertain why she became the girl's target, but remembers she was the smallest student in her class. The bullying lasted for a few months. Daisy was too afraid to confide in others and was fearful of retaliation. She never told her parents or the school administrators. Eventually, "as luck would have it," the bully moved away, and Daisy was able to return to her normal school lunch. Looking back, Daisy wonders whatever happened to her first-grade bully. She realizes that the bully must have had a challenging home life to be "so mean" at merely six years old.

Another negative experience was a close friendship in fourth grade. Daisy had a beloved Hello Kitty wallet in which she still remembers she stored "exactly four quarters" in the coin pouch, which was slightly torn. The wallet also contained a little card with Daisy's name and address. One day after recess, she returned to find the wallet was missing from her backpack. A few weeks later, Daisy saw her friend take the exact same pink wallet out of her bag. She remarked, "Oh, that looks like my wallet," to which her friend responded, "No, no, I bought this." Daisy asked her friend to open it and discovered it contained the same amount of coins and even had the same tear in the pouch. The card with Daisy's name had been removed. A similar incident occurred when Daisy left some money in an envelope on her desk. Daisy's mother had given her the money to order books from a catalog, but when Daisy returned from recess, the envelope was missing. Other students also reported their possessions missing from their classroom. Although Daisy suspected her friend was the one stealing from the classroom, she did not openly accuse her friend, especially as her friend was incredibly nice to her. They played together during recess and laughed together in class. One day, she invited Daisy to visit her house after school. When Daisy called her mom to ask for permission to go to her friend's house, her mom told her she had to come home instead. Daisy's friend replied that she would call Daisy's mom. After seeming to make the phone call, the friend told Daisy, "Oh, your mom said it is fine." Daisy believed her and went to her house. Later, she learned that her friend never called Daisy's mother. Worried sick when their daughter never returned home from school, Daisy's parents called the police and reported her as a missing child. Daisy was surprised that her friend had lied. She remembers her as a genuinely nice person, but one with another side to her personality. At her friend's house, Daisy also noticed that her room was full of items that classmates had reported missing. Eventually, Daisy told a teacher that she believed her friend was the classroom thief. Daisy's friend was suspended for a couple of months. Years later, Daisy and the girl crossed paths again as teenagers, but their friendship never fully recovered. Daisy kept an emotional distance from her.

Daisy was eager for the transition from elementary school to middle school. During the summer before sixth grade, Daisy felt she "really grew up." Her father underwent a major surgery for a pinched nerve. As he recovered through the summer months, Daisy took on more responsibility running the restaurant with her mother. She would alternate working at the restaurant and caring for her siblings at home. Daisy's siblings were five and six years younger than she was, and as a result, she did not have the same closeness with them as they did with each other. Nevertheless, Daisy enjoyed spending time with them, playing house and other games. Although Daisy's family lived very modestly, she and her siblings shared many fun moments that have endured as some of Daisy's fondest memories. With increased responsibilities and a sense of purpose, Daisy quickly matured.

By the time Daisy entered sixth grade, she was more outgoing, more confident, and performed better in school. She was proud that her grades were rising, which she attributes to reading more books. Daisy's classmates were very diverse: Caucasian, Filipino, Indian, and African American. Most of Daisy's close friends were "good kids," who excelled academically and encouraged each other to improve. Daisy remembers a "pre-texting" era when she and her friends would talk on the phone and even send each other letters decorated with stickers.

Daisy succeeded in her classes and set her sights on making the middle school honor roll. Her favorite class was math. She was fascinated by the connection between logic and numbers, and by the ability to apply mathematics to everyday life. For the most part, Daisy was a straight-A student. She attributes some of her work ethic to her parents. Daisy explains that Chinese parents "like to brag about… other kids and how well they're doing," brewing competition and pressuring Daisy to excel. Daisy pushed herself to succeed.

Daisy stuck on a similar path through high school. There, she was able to reconnect with some elementary school friends with whom she had fallen out of touch. Again, Daisy's friends were culturally diverse and all shared a commitment to academics. In addition to studying, Daisy played on the badminton team, tutored at the library, and volunteered at the hospital – all while continuing to work at her family's restaurant. Daisy enrolled in as many difficult classes as she could. In the summer after ninth grade, she tried to enroll in a summer math course at her local community college. The age minimum for high school students at the community college was sixteen, so the registrars told Daisy to wait for the following year. However, Daisy was persistent and refused to give up. She returned to the registrar's office every day after school for two weeks, begging to be admitted. Eventually, the administration relented and allowed Daisy and several of her friends to enroll in the college math course. The summer after her junior year, Daisy started a part-time job at a department store. The income that Daisy got from the restaurant was for college, while this income was for personal items like a cell phone and new clothes. She felt less guilty buying things for herself when they were purchased with her own hard-earned money.

When it came time to apply for colleges, Daisy exclusively applied to the schools within the University of California system. She was so excited to move away. She read and reread her college catalog every day to see the different classes she could take. Her eager anticipation soon melted away into a different reality. After settling into her new college, Daisy quickly began feeling homesick and as if "there's nothing to do" at her college. Although she was about two and a half hours away from home, she could not come home every weekend. Throughout Daisy's freshman year, she would mostly stay in her dorm room, feeling a bit depressed. Additionally, while Daisy busied herself with college, Daisy's parents decided it was time to sell their family restaurant and retire. The new owners renovated the restaurant, turning it into a Filipino cuisine restaurant. Looking back, Daisy regrets not being present for the last few days prior to the restaurant's closure.

By the time Daisy's sophomore year rolled around, she had finally grown comfortable in her college environment. She moved away from the first-year dorms and into an off-campus apartment that she shared with three other students. One of them was Daisy's best friend from high school. Daisy began socializing and meeting new friends, as well as exploring the college town. She visited home less and less. Just as Daisy's situation improved, however, she was presented with new challenges.

During her sophomore year of college, Daisy journeyed to her university's health center for a routine TB (tuberculosis) test. Daisy dutifully endured the test despite her strong dislike of needles. After it was administered, the medical professional instructed Daisy to sit outside and rest before leaving. Daisy sat down, but soon suddenly passed out. When she came to, a nurse helped Daisy up and sent her home. Looking back, Daisy realizes she passed out because she felt "out of control" and uncomfortable in unfamiliar surroundings. Ever since the ill-fated TB test, Daisy has dealt with a pattern of panic attacks triggered by high-stress situations and a fear of passing out again, or losing control. In these moments, her heart rate rapidly elevates and she experiences a looming sense of danger and turbulence.

There were other anxiety-provoking incidents during her college years. For example, Daisy remembers shopping in the supermarket, which was unusually crowded with other customers. Suddenly, she felt dizzy and as if she could pass out in the supermarket aisle at any moment. She felt an urgent need to remove herself from the environment and go outside. During her finals week, Daisy nearly passed out a few times while in her apartment. She was overcome by the same feelings of losing control and having what felt like a heart attack. However, these episodes were still infrequent enough that Daisy did not go to a mental health professional or physician. She did, however, identify that coffee may have been an additional trigger for her attacks due to its caffeine content. Even over a decade later, she still does not drink coffee.

After graduating from college, Daisy felt a bit lost as she planned her next steps. She was not eager to move away from college, but her lease was ending so she moved back home. Despite starting college with the intention of becoming a doctor, Daisy had interned at a hospital and decided that "blood and guts" were not for her. For a period of time, Daisy applied to research positions, but none particularly appealed to her. From a prior internship, she felt that biotech research labs were "a little bit depressing because you're in a basement all day." Over time, she also realized that the entry-level biotech jobs did not pay well. Daisy decided to work in an entirely different area. For a year, she worked at a store selling mattresses while she figured out what she wanted to do long-term. Although it was not her favorite job, Daisy appreciated being a part of "the working class" and found the experience "humbling." Her coworkers were "very cool people" who had a fun but different dynamic than what she was used to. Daisy was sad when it was time to transition into her next job.

Eventually, Daisy set her sights on becoming a lawyer. When asked why she settled on law, Daisy responded "Well, if I can't be a doctor, I have to be a lawyer then, because this is what my parents want." Before applying to law school, Daisy looked into open positions at several local law firms to get a closer look and to have time to study for the LSAT. Soon, she began working at a local civil litigation law firm in a role similar to that of a paralegal. She worked at this firm for five years, cultivating a close relationship with her boss and colleagues. Her job primarily entailed preparing documents to file with the court and performing legal research. She was still interested in applying to law school, but the lawyers at the firm dissuaded her. Looking back, Daisy is "so glad" that she did not attend law school, because by the time she would have graduated, "the market was very saturated" and Daisy knew several friends who had recently graduated from law school, unemployed and saddled with large sums of debt.

Eventually, Daisy reached a point where she could not see her career progressing. She decided to complete a certificate for a paralegal course, which she was able to achieve while still working at the law firm. Her goal was to attain a job at a corporate legal team that paid better. Unfortunately, the regional economic climate was terrible at the time, and Daisy ended up applying to more than one hundred jobs, customizing her resume and cover letter to each job posting. Ultimately, she was invited to two interviews. Daisy was adamant in succeeding for the two interviews; she drafted lists of all possible questions the hiring managers might ask her and practiced her responses. The second interview led to a job offer at a tech startup in the Bay Area.

Daisy accepted the offer and began working in the legal department. As an example of her responsibilities, she would prepare and send out materials for board meetings. However, she might not have received the content for the materials until midnight, and she would stay up working until two in the morning, using a software tool that was really difficult to use. She would then go into the office at eight in the morning the next day. Sometimes, Daisy would be in the office from eight in the morning to midnight for several days in a row. Amidst the challenging work conditions, Daisy found solace in her increased salary and the job stability (the firm was woefully understaffed). In more recent years, Daisy has also had the opportunity to travel internationally through her work. She worked there for five years before it was bought out by her next employer.

During these years of employment, the panic attacks that started in Daisy's college years continued, although not always in the same form. One time, Daisy was driving on a busy California freeway when she was suddenly overcome with fear. She experienced some of the same symptoms of her previous panic attacks – in particular, her heart rate quickly elevated and her head felt dizzy. She grew increasingly worried that she would pass out while at the wheel. Daisy gripped the steering wheel, suddenly paranoid that she would hit another car and cause a fatal accident. She had to turn onto another street and quickly park. As Daisy explains, this was the "trigger point" that catalyzed a long-term fear of driving. She feared "blacking out and then crashing and hurting somebody." Even a decade later, Daisy still feels extremely nervous when driving and surrounded by cars. She still tries hard to avoid having to drive, preferring public transportation or even walking when feasible. When someone else is driving and Daisy is a passenger, she does not have the same symptoms. Fear of driving sufficiently affected Daisy's quality of life that she decided to take action. She began attending therapy through a program called "Lyra" that was offered by her employer to treat her persistent anxiety. Her goal of attending therapy was to reduce her fear of driving and to reach a level of comfort where she would be able to drive locally.

When starting Lyra, Daisy completed a survey where she would detail her mental health obstacles and health history. Lyra also asked Daisy her preferences on therapist gender, location, and platform. After selecting a therapist from a list of recommendations, Daisy started weekly virtual sessions. They met a couple of times over video chat. Daisy felt comfortable speaking with the therapist, who was receptive and non-judgemental. During the sessions, the therapist would take notes and offer advice.

Daisy told her therapist about her difficulty with driving. She explained that when she attempts to drive on the freeway, she "starts shaking" and feeling as if she is "getting a panic attack." The therapist introduced exercises to help alleviate the anxiety. However, Daisy also believes many of the exercises "were not relevant" to her. Daisy also had access to secure text messaging and a platform where her therapist would assign her homework to finish on a weekly basis. The therapist would review the assignments and provide relevant recommendations. Some of the homework included videos for Daisy to watch and reflect upon. Daisy would write down how she would respond if she were faced with that situation. Daisy believes the intention behind these assignments was to help her minimize her anxiety. However, the assignments did not directly address Daisy's panic while driving – only anxiety as a whole. At this point, Daisy had already overcome her anxiety with needles, as well as grocery stores and other crowded public settings. Overall, Daisy believes the therapist tried to help her, but that the therapist "didn't really… target the actual fear itself." She stopped meeting with the therapist after about four or five months, when she exhausted the number of available sessions covered by her employer. Instead of paying to continue, Daisy decided to research and address her anxiety independently.

Daisy enjoyed watching YouTube videos made by people with similar challenges and fears. These videos introduced her to other types of treatments, such as exposure therapy. In exposure therapy, people "go out, get in the car, and …make a conscious effort to drive more and more everyday." Daisy is interested in trying other forms of therapy, such as hypnotherapy, but she is uncertain if her employer will cover them. Her main goal is to "go back to normal, the way it was before." She hopes to be able to get in her car and not be weighed down by her worries; to "just go where I want." Daisy would like to integrate driving back into her daily routine, just like taking a shower or eating food.

As Daisy reflects on her past and looks to the future, she aims to finally overcome her driving anxiety. She is grateful that she has built a fulfilling life for herself, with a job she enjoys and many close friends and family members. Although she describes herself as shy, Daisy projects a demeanor that is personable and outgoing. Most of the time she feels totally comfortable in her own skin. She travels independently and even relishes going out by herself. Nevertheless, Daisy would like to conquer her fear of driving to lead her best possible life.