Seedlings of Resentment, Orchard of Angst

Apple (pseudonym) is a woman in her late thirties who lives in San Francisco. She wears a perpetual grin and speaks with an easygoing attitude. As Apple reflects on her life experiences and their impact on her mental health, she openly discusses anxiety, loneliness, and concerns about the long-term emotional toll of her strained relationship with her mother.

Growing up

Apple was an only child of a single mother. Every year or so, until Apple entered third grade, she and her mother would pack up and leave for a new home a few towns over. Apple recounts having to start over after each move, and losing touch with old friends. When Apple was entering third grade, she and her mother finally settled into a house that her mother purchased in Petaluma, a small town in Northern California. Apple describes Petaluma as a "bubble," seemingly sheltered away from the world's harsher realities. While Apple was relieved to grow roots, she faced new challenges. Social connections in the small community were strong, and the kids in her school had firmly established friend groups because they had already known each other for years. Apple struggled to form her own friend group.

In addition to school, Apple attended after-school daycare while her mother was still at work. Apple met Polly Klaas at daycare, and their mothers became close friends. A year later, Polly was kidnapped from her home late at night, just days after Apple and Polly had gone roller skating together. Apple vividly remembers first hearing the news from her mother, who worked at a Petaluma newspaper at the time. Polly's kidnapping and subsequent murder in 1993 received national attention and Apple remembers community members distributing flyers and rallying together to support Polly's family. As a nine-year-old, Apple was mostly sheltered from the gruesome details of the case, but she struggled to fathom how Polly, the girl she had skated with a few days earlier, was now gone. It was extremely scary and upsetting. Even decades later, memories from the incident haunt Apple, who remains fearful of sleeping alone in a house at night despite being able to do so in an apartment.

Another troubling aspect of Apple's childhood was that she was frequently upset by her mother's behavior during confrontations. When Apple was around nine years old, she and her mother had heated arguments every month or so. Apple's mother would often shout, "I'm leaving and never coming back!" Apple would then watch her walk out the door and disappear into the night for a few hours. Racked with worry, Apple feared her mother might really be gone forever. When Apple's mother returned, she never explained where she went or apologized to Apple. Her mother's departures during these confrontations frightened Apple and left her feeling alone. On reflection, Apple thinks her mother may have been attempting to scare her or make her feel guilty.

As Apple approached adolescence, she kept busy with her classes and even got a job at a toy store. Middle school was fine for Apple, but cultivating friendships within long-standing, closely knit social circles remained difficult. Additionally, Apple felt like she was missing out on the activities she saw her peers enjoying. Apple's mother, preoccupied with her work, never took Apple on vacations or signed Apple up for local sports teams. Most days after school, Apple would walk home alone or to her job downtown. During high school, Apple independently sought out opportunities to become more active. She joined leadership, volunteered with the Rotary, and joined other clubs. She matured quickly and became independent, but she felt like an inconvenience. Her mother seemed more concerned with her own life.

As Apple transitioned to college, her mother remained uninvolved, sometimes outsourcing participation in certain milestones to others. For instance, her mother did not help Apple with the college application process or guide her when she selected a future career. Apple ended up attending a local state university. Although she wishes she had chosen a school farther away, where she could have had a fuller college experience, Apple found the whole process difficult to navigate without support from her mother. Apple's mother hired someone to accompany Apple to select her first car and someone else to move Apple into the dorms at college.

Leaving the Nest

After living at the university until she graduated, Apple moved back in with her mother. At the time, Apple had obtained a well-paying job at a bank and could have afforded her own apartment. Yet she opted to stay with her mother, even though her mother charged her rent that may have been in excess of market rates. Apple notes that her mother is typically generous towards other people despite being stingy with Apple and that stinginess further eroded Apple's trust in her mother.

During this period of young adulthood, Apple tried out therapy while still residing in Petaluma. Although she cannot recall why she sought therapy, she believes it was to address issues with her mother. There were few therapists in Petaluma, and the one that Apple selected was also her mother's friend. Apple saw the therapist only a few times and regrets ever initiating this therapy. Because of the conflict of interest, Apple states, "I never should have done it." She did not return to therapy until years later.

While working at the bank, Apple earned enough to travel abroad. Destinations included Australia, New Zealand, Europe, and Hawaii. She enjoyed her travels and appreciated her financial independence. However, Apple continued to live with her mother despite the stress it caused. Looking back, Apple believes she stayed with her mother too long. When Apple was twenty-eight years old, she moved out of her mother's house to live in San Francisco with her fiancé – they had dated for nearly three years since meeting on eHarmony. Both loved to travel, so they set their sights on a destination wedding. Yet, this happy occasion further deteriorated Apple's relationship with her mother on two fronts.

The first and more significant way that the wedding damaged Apple's relationship with her mother began when a close family friend (her mother's best friend) declined Apple's wedding invitation. Growing up, Apple was fond of her mother's friend. She enjoyed visiting the friend's home and conversing on the phone with her. Likewise, Apple's mother has been supportive of the friend's children over the years. When the friend's kids were young, the friend's husband fell ill at one point and Apple's mother helped take care of the kids. Naturally, Apple invited this longtime family friend to the wedding. But the friend, who is wealthy, called Apple to say she would not attend because she did not want to spend the money. During this phone exchange, Apple felt that the friend was unnecessarily rude. Apple later told her mother about the incident, and, much to Apple's disbelief, her mother defended the family friend. Her mother's reaction upset Apple enormously. Apple felt her mother had betrayed her. Although the family friend would not show up for Apple's wedding, Apple's mother continued to attend similar celebrations for the friend's children. Apple's husband foresaw the lasting harm this situation could cause and warned Apple's mother, "If you don't fix this, Apple will always have negative feelings towards [you]." Indeed, his concern was warranted. Apple's mother's decision to preserve her relationship with this friend continues to bother Apple. Apple feels her mother disregarded her friend's insulting behavior toward Apple, which, she reported, fosters ongoing "animosity" toward her mother. Apple explained simply, "She didn't have my back… I don't trust my mother to this day." While Apple already harbored resentment toward her mother, this experience considerably magnified it and has cast a dark shadow over their relationship.

The second way that the wedding caused Apple's relationship with her mother to deteriorate had to do with her mother's behavior leading up to the wedding and at the reception. Although her mother seemed somewhat happy about Apple's approaching marriage, Apple believes her mother was upset over the decreased prominence she would have in Apple's life. In addition, Apple's mother created complications with the wedding planning and caused disturbances during the wedding. Since the wedding was at an expensive location, Apple's mother decided to rent a house for wedding guests who might struggle to afford it. Apple had asked her mother to not interfere and ended up being left to deal with the problems that the rental caused, which Apple recalls as a "nightmare." Then, on the day Apple's mother flew in for the wedding, she had arrived characteristically late at the departure airport, almost missed her flight, and cried on arrival, saying she was tired. Creating further stress for Apple, her mother accepted a significantly more expensive rental car agreement than the one Apple had arranged for her, leaving Apple to cover the extra expense she had specifically tried to avoid. Apple's mother also drank too much throughout the occasion and acted inappropriately. When Apple confronted her mother about these incidents, her mother cried again. According to Apple, her mother regularly cries in this manner to avoid criticism and invoke feelings of guilt.

Fear of Flying

After their wedding, Apple and her husband occasionally traveled to Hawaii. On one particular trip, she and her husband watched a TV show about medical mistakes that doctors sometimes make. Something about the juxtaposition of doctors needing to perform life-saving surgery and at the same time exposing patients to the possibility of death may have unnerved Apple. After watching this show, Apple became terrified to fly on airplanes, a fear known as "aerophobia." She is uncertain what the correlation was between the TV show and flying, but specifically remembers that something about the show triggered her phobia. When Apple boards a plane, she shakes, sweats, and experiences intense anxiety during the takeoff and any turbulence.

Apple's newly developed fear of flying led her to try therapy again. This time, Apple tried a form of psychotherapy called hypnotherapy, which involves verbal repetition and mental images to reach a deep state of focus and relaxation. Apple's goal was to become more comfortable with flying. As the therapy progressed, she felt that the therapist was not a good fit for her. Apple was also concerned about the expense. She recounted that at the beginning of at least one session, the therapist offered to make tea for her. That offer sounded nice, but the therapist spent ten minutes making tea for Apple, which felt like a waste of expensive minutes. After ten visits, Apple did not experience any decrease in her fear of flying and stopped seeing the therapist.

As an alternative, Apple considered taking CBD gummies before takeoff. However, when Apple used CBD in other circumstances before, her anxiety had actually increased, and she is reluctant to risk trying it before getting trapped "up in the air." Apple continues to hope she will find a solution. In the meantime, Apple has still been scared of flying, even while loving road trips.

Marriage Counseling

After the initial glow of their new life together wore off, Apple found herself frequently arguing with her husband, including bickering over whether to leave the windows open, disagreeing over where to live, and matching expectations for attention and affection. During the COVID-19 pandemic, Apple and her husband began seeing a marriage counselor. In addition to challenges with their own relationship, they also wanted to discuss issues they were having related to Apple's disappointment that her husband's family seemed "cold," rather than the perfect Hallmark family she longed for.

Many counselors were not accepting new clients, but eventually, Apple and her husband received a referral from a counselor whose schedule was already full. Having found a good match, they attended sessions for four months. The counselor began by asking about their individual backgrounds and their relationship with each other. The counselor then discussed with Apple and her husband how they could express appreciation for each other and improve their communication, which included some homework activities and date nights. Despite Apple not completing most of the homework, she found the sessions to be helpful. Initially, she resisted the counselor's observation that, contrary to relationships in romance movies, real-world relationships are not perfect. Apple had always imagined hers would be perfect. But on further reflection, Apple appreciates the counselor's view "probably makes sense" and thinks her outlook may have changed in response. Overall, Apple has come to regard these therapy sessions positively.

As the therapist helped Apple and her husband delve more deeply into their relationship issues, Apple found herself repeatedly coming back to her relationship with her mother. Since Apple liked the marriage counselor, she wanted to meet with the counselor individually to discuss her mother. But the counselor wanted Apple to see a different therapist for one-on-one sessions because she was already seeing Apple and her husband jointly. Ultimately, due to the lack of available therapists, Apple was able to use a couple of the marriage sessions individually to discuss her mother. She found these sessions useful, with the counselor providing practical advice on how she might set boundaries with her mother.

To continue to process her relationship with her mother, Apple did have an initial consultation with another therapist. The initial consultation went well and Apple felt some chemistry with that therapist. However, Apple was aghast at the price. Each session would cost $400, which was too expensive for Apple. Therefore, she did not visit the therapist and was seeking another one.

Figuring out her mother

Apple is still figuring out how to manage her childhood difficulties and her relationship with her mother. The lingering effects from the frequent moves in her childhood gave rise to a well of resentment towards her mother. Although Apple accepted these moves at the time, she now believes the frequent moves were unjustified because her mother could afford good food, good clothes, and even a modest house. Apple believes that the repeated and abrupt breaking of friendships has caused her to struggle to maintain social bonds throughout her life. Even as an adult, once Apple forms a new friendship, she often feels an urge to end it, as if she is about to pack up and move once more. As an adult, she occasionally still feels lonely due to her limited acquaintance with other relatives and having only one close friend.

Apple also resents her mother's passive parenting. However, Apple recognizes that her mother's actions may have partly been due to her mother's own difficult childhood. Apple's aunt, who had the same biological mother as Apple, has told Apple that their mother (Apple's grandmother) was "not very motherly." And although Apple's mother was adopted by caring parents, her adoptive mother died when she was twelve and her adoptive dad died when she was twenty. Therefore, Apple speculates that her mother probably raised herself, just as Apple felt she has always taken care of herself. But Apple still resents her mother's behavior.

Apple and her husband have also discussed the notion that her mother may be a narcissist. The idea first occurred to Apple's husband while he heard Howard Stern discussing narcissism on the radio. When her husband shared what he had heard, Apple especially remembers that he mentioned chronic lateness, a perpetual habit of her mother's, as a sign of narcissism. Apple has since pondered other traits of her mother's with this in mind. For instance, perhaps the frequent moves in childhood were a consequence of Apple's mother prioritizing her own preferences for novelty and change without regard to how the choices would affect Apple. Similarly, her mother's generosity towards others might actually be a bid for admiration. Perhaps narcissism would explain her mother's constant failure to follow through with promises to visit Apple in San Francisco. In reality, she only sees Apple when Apple goes to her. Yet, when Apple is too tired or too busy to visit her mother, her mother may request help with some task to garner sympathy and make Apple feel guilty for not dropping by. Apple's realization that her mother might be a narcissist provides context for the decades of her mother's challenging behavior. However, Apple has been quite angry with her for years, and her feelings of being hurt and impaired by her mother's behavior persist. Because her mother seems to focus primarily on herself, Apple suspects that her mother remains unaware of how her behavior affects Apple and others. Since Apple's wedding, her difficulties with her mother have escalated and intensified.

Apple is uncertain if therapy will help her reach a resolution with her mother. She wants to try joint therapy with her mother but doubts that her mother would participate. She expects her mother would miss every session by being late. Barring the possibility of joint therapy, Apple hopes to at least resolve her own troubled feelings toward her mother. She especially worries about how she will feel when her mother eventually dies. In particular, she does not want to feel guilty, as she sometimes did before ("you only have one mother"). The guidance on establishing boundaries with her mother that Apple received from the marriage counselor provided a helpful start. Apple wants to search for a therapist to continue addressing these issues as she proceeds with living her life.