Improvising Life, One Note at a Time

Jazz (a pseudonym) is an easygoing, light-hearted woman in her early thirties. She has a great sense of humor and is quick to flash her bright smile and crack jokes. From an early age, Jazz has dealt with parental conflict and changes in her family structure.

Upbringing & Parental Divorce

Jazz's parents divorced when she was a kindergartener. Just as she was learning her letters, shapes, and numbers, Jazz was also discovering how to navigate the challenges of a divided family. While Jazz's parents both envisioned a traditional upbringing for Jazz and her older brother, their marriage had deteriorated and fractured – to the point where divorce seemed to be the best option. During custody negotiations, both parents agreed that Jazz and her brother would live with their father in their original house and visit their mother regularly to maintain their close relationship.

The parents' divided households were remarkably different. Jazz's father was a veteran who ran a strict and disciplined home. As a religious man, he insisted Jazz attend church every Sunday wearing a formal girl's dress and polished shoes. He expected Jazz to be obedient and well-behaved at all times. Despite Jazz's tomboyish tendencies, her father referred to her as his "princess." In contrast, Jazz's mother was focused on balancing her multiple jobs with the responsibilities of motherhood. Jazz fondly recalls the times spent with her mother, and laughs at the memories of quick meals from Burger King due to her mother's hectic schedule. These conflicting environments led to confusion and friction for Jazz, who was forced to quickly adapt between the two disparate lifestyles. She cautiously attempted to please both parents and to live up to their personal expectations for her.

Jazz also acted as a liaison between her parents, providing each with updates on the other's life. At times, these updates were unintentional. When Jazz revealed to her mother how her father's girlfriend had gifted her a new formal outfit to be a flower girl, her mother realized that Jazz's father was getting remarried. This unexpected news shocked Jazz's mother – not only was she unaware that the relationship had progressed to this point, she was also unaware of the extent to which her ex-husband's new wife had become involved in her children's lives.

In fact, Jazz's stepmother had become fixated on managing Jazz's life. Jazz's days were meticulously planned and orchestrated, with specific times set for her walks, meals, and school activities. Despite the stepmother being a new presence in her life, Jazz was expected to comply with her instructions and dutifully follow her predetermined schedule.

Jazz, meanwhile, began attending therapy sessions. In retrospect, Jazz feels that each of her parents had an underlying agenda, as she would sometimes attend therapy with her mother, sometimes with her father, and sometimes with her father and his second wife. Her mother and father picked different therapists. Jazz recounted attending play therapy with her biological mother. Jazz spent these play therapy sessions interacting with toys (including a special set of figurines brought over from Israel) and drawing while the therapist observed and engaged with her. Jazz remembers enjoying the toys so much that she asked the therapist if she could take them back to play with; Jazz was delighted that her therapist agreed, feeling that her therapist really trusted her.

While Jazz could not fully comprehend the purpose of the therapy sessions, she enjoyed being able to openly express herself in a safe and supportive environment. The sessions provided a sense of stability and comfort for Jazz amidst great change. Additionally, the therapists served as neutral third-parties in the parental conflict and would advocate for Jazz's emotions and desires when meeting with Jazz's parents. Over time, Jazz's parents improved their communication and gained a better understanding of Jazz's experience as a child of divorce. Finally, it seemed as if Jazz's life had settled into a regular routine.

However, just as Jazz became accustomed to her restructured family, her life was upended once more. Jazz's mother remarried another man. When Jazz describes her stepfather, her face contorts and her expression shifts, as if she is tasting something extremely bitter. Even as a young girl, Jazz immediately disliked and distrusted her mother's new husband. Her initial suspicions were validated as Jazz witnessed her stepfather cheat, lie, and manipulate her mother throughout the years. While his abusive behavior led to periods of separation, Jazz declared that her mother "always takes him back."

Jazz's hatred for her stepfather deepened when she moved in with her mother at age sixteen. In high school, Jazz grew tired of her father's authoritarian parenting and strict rules. Desiring greater freedom, Jazz stayed with her mother for the remainder of her teenage years. She reveled in her new independence. She could spend time with her friends, listen to loud music, and simply exist without constant parental supervision. But this freedom came at a cost. Jazz quickly clashed with her stepfather. Jazz vividly recalls one dispute where she stood up for her mother. Jazz endured verbal abuse and at one point, physically struck her stepfather. Her stepfather, an ex-Marine, pushed her down by the stairway and pinned her down as she kicked and screamed, trying to escape. She declined to press charges, in compliance with her mother's wishes. Jazz begged her mother to make her stepfather leave or to divorce him. Nevertheless, Jazz's mother refused, leading to intense resentment and feelings of betrayal that Jazz harbors to this day.

Coming Out

Around the same time that Jazz moved in with her mother as a teenager, she began expressing her sexual orientation. Although Jazz had never publicly identified herself as lesbian, she knew that she liked girls since she was young. When Jazz reflects on her childhood, she laughs while describing a compilation of early memories that she believes reveal she was lesbian. Primarily, Jazz always had masculine tendencies, and those tendencies did not escape parental notice: both of Jazz's parents had assumed she was somewhere on the queer spectrum. Jazz's father explained he knew Jazz was lesbian because her first word as a toddler was "football." While Jazz endured wearing frilly dresses as a child, it soon became apparent she preferred sporting jerseys from her beloved football team, the Raiders (Jazz remains an avid fan despite the team's move to Las Vegas). Jazz never "came out" in the traditional sense, nor did she feel a need to. Jazz is comfortable with her identity and both her parents – including her religious father – have accepted her for who she is. Being both black and lesbian, Jazz is acutely aware that she is a minority among minorities. Jazz feels that she is like the small section of a carpet that "sticks out, while the rest lays smooth."

Emerging into Adulthood

When Jazz was eighteen, she graduated from high school and began attending college classes near her hometown. During this transition into adulthood, Jazz gained greater insight to herself and the path she hoped to follow as she grew and matured. In particular, Jazz noticed that while she enjoyed her courses, she constantly felt distracted by outside influences. This pattern echoed Jazz's experience in elementary school, where she struggled to pay attention and would often be disciplined for speaking out of turn. One teacher even labeled Jazz as "disruptive," and another suggested Jazz may have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Although Jazz was never officially diagnosed with ADHD or treated for it, her college experience proved to her that she had an ongoing issue with executive functioning and focus. Jazz struggled to submit classwork on time and received an incomplete grade in one course.

As Jazz met other students and immersed herself into the lifestyle of a social young adult, she also began to experiment with marijuana and alcohol. She fell into a pattern of partying that distracted her from her courses and ultimately prevented her from finishing college. Jazz also discovered the potency of marijuana, which significantly alleviated her day-to-day anxiety and depression. In reflection, while Jazz finds marijuana helpful for treating some mental health symptoms, she believes it slowed her down and may have discouraged her from completing her education.

Around this time, Jazz also started grappling more deeply with the aftermath of her parent's divorce, remarriages, and other issues throughout her childhood. Apart from her parents for the first time, Jazz finally experienced a silence she had not felt for years amidst the family chaos. Jazz felt more relaxed, but paradoxically, also uneasy in this silence. With a more mature perspective, Jazz began to reexamine her parents' decisions over which she had no control as a young girl. Jazz, for example, appreciated her early play therapy but seethed at the recollection that her mother did not allow law enforcement to intervene and protect them from her stepfather's physical abuse.

These realizations also prompted questioning as to what Jazz's childhood could have been like if she had been born into a more traditional family dynamic. Just as her name suggests, Jazz has always grooved along with change, as if tapping her foot to an underlying beat, while the musical melody of her life ebbed and flowed and sometimes changed entirely. But what if the music had a different meter or written in a different key? The more time Jazz spent away from her family, the more awareness she gained of the emotional and psychological repercussions of her upbringing.

Therapy Experience

Jazz continued to explore this awareness while in therapy in her early twenties. For the first time since her early play therapy, Jazz was able to share her experiences and trauma with a professional therapist. Within the first few sessions, Jazz felt at ease opening up herself. Soon she began describing her family conflicts and struggle with ADHD. With her therapist's encouragement, Jazz began to take inventory of traumatic incidents that continued to trouble her. Upon reflection, Jazz realized that although she had survived her chaotic upbringing, it damaged her self-esteem. Through discussion and activities, Jazz's therapist slowly guided Jazz towards building greater confidence. She instructed Jazz to identify patterns of self-doubt that were preventing her from living her ideal life. Ultimately, therapy gave Jazz the courage to apply for jobs and positions she otherwise would not have.

Jazz has worked in a number of positions in different fields. At first, Jazz pieced together part-time jobs, but sporting a strong work ethic and facing her work with enthusiasm and dedication, Jazz landed a full-time supervisory role for UPS. She held her own in the male-dominated workplace culture, committing herself to providing high quality work, even when it was physically and mentally demanding. Jazz hoped to treat her teammates better than her previous bosses treated her, showing them understanding and compassion. She made an effort to bring in treats and to greet everyone with a friendly smile.

However, Jazz's work environment turned hostile. One day, Jazz was harassed by a superior for leaving the warehouse center to use the restroom. On this particular occasion, the closest women's restroom in the large warehouse was out of order, so Jazz spent a long time finding an alternative. A group of male employees who monitored the surveillance cameras chided her for missing work time, reminding her that breaks should only occur at specific times. Jazz apologized, but felt she was being treated unfairly.

Meanwhile, Jazz was under constant fear of grievances from the worker's union. At her company, supervisors were banned from touching packages in the warehouse, since that could be interpreted as stealing union work. Jazz had heard horror stories of supervisors being filmed by their employees moving packages or breaking up jams on the conveyor belt. These recordings could be used by the union to file grievances and solicit money from the company. At the same time, management wanted to know that the boxes for each day were appropriately handled, and did not want to hear that teams were short-staffed. At least once, Jazz was accused of "touching boxes" and she continually stressed about losing her job or facing union allegations. Eventually, the stress got to Jazz and she left her job and moved onto a similar position at a different company. Today, Jazz continues to balance multiple part-time jobs to keep herself afloat in a high cost of living area. She plans to return to college soon to study business administration, helping her access higher-paying jobs that require a college degree.

Relationship Issues

At the time of the interview, Jazz was in a long term relationship with her partner of eight years. Jazz noted that they are experiencing relationship issues, and that she worries these issues might threaten the longevity of their relationship. In the past, Jazz has dealt with infidelity and betrayal by other partners. That her partners have been unfaithful while she remained true has led Jazz to develop "trust issues." When Jazz recently noticed a lack of interest between her and her partner, she was suspicious that her partner might be cheating on her. She secretly looked through her partner's devices, but found no evidence of any infidelity. After her initial relief, Jazz became disappointed, realizing she and her partner might not be sexually compatible. Nevertheless, Jazz has tried to reinvigorate the relationship. She regularly gave orchids to her partner, plants that Jazz regards as exquisitely beautiful.

Additionally, both Jazz and her partner have experienced family conflict. Jazz's partner has a parent conspicuously struggling with substance abuse. There are also some financial disagreements; Jazz feels compelled to make more money in order to provide more for her partner, but at the same time, Jazz feels stressed about work. Jazz hopes to improve their relationship and is interested in attending couple's therapy.

Jazz believes therapy may help her with her ongoing family issues. Jazz's relationship with her mother remains tenuous and she worries her mother may have developed a problem with alcohol. Her stepfather still lives comfortably in her mother's three-bedroom California home, which Jazz refers to as a "free ride," while her mother works in Atlanta. Jazz is in regular contact with her father but feels she cannot always lean on him for support. She remains close with her older brother and is proud that he has paved a career path in the airline industry with the perk of frequently traveling to exotic locations for his work.

Jazz is uncertain what the future holds next for her, but feels assured that she can return to therapy to balance her mental health and to find stable footing. As a grown-up "child of divorce," Jazz recommends that children in situations similar to hers participate in play therapy or another therapy program. Jazz is an optimist, and to her, the most important is taking the first step towards improving one's life and mental health. Whether this step is applying for a new job, seeking out a therapist, or spending time on self-care, Jazz believes that it is all within reach.