Hospitalization from Heartbreak

Rita (pseudonym) is a Filipino-American college student in her early twenties. She lives in Northern California and sports a style that is laidback, replete with a sloganed baseball cap, headphones, and unique earrings. Rita seems easygoing, yet she waxes philosophical and is quick to call out social injustices.

Family

Rita's parents met by chance in the Philippines. Rita appreciates how it is "cute when people… meet randomly," like her parents did, and how relationships can emerge from being in the right place at the right moment. After marrying, they decided to immigrate to the United States in search of better opportunities; or as Rita puts it, "the eluding idea of what the American Dream means." They first lived in San Jose, California, where a relative already resided. Rita explains that the larger metropolitan area is a "landing site for Asian immigrants to pass through." Later on, her parents moved to the more affordable city of Fresno, California, where Rita was born. Nestled within the multicultural community, Rita and her family lived in a large two-story house. Rita reflects that her hometown was "very peaceful," albeit "very boring" as she grew older.

Rita is the self-described "baby" of her family. She had three older brothers ranging from eight to twelve years older than her. Rita felt she gleaned valuable life experience and insight from her brothers by watching them make important life decisions and navigating the challenges of emerging into adolescence and adulthood. "Of course," Rita notes, "certain life decisions can be very different depending on the path you go down."

The day-to-day dynamic of Rita's childhood was rowdy and exciting. She would swim in the river and ride bikes with her neighborhood friends. In particular, Rita liked "outdoorsy stuff," riding her skateboard, and baking ("I wanted to go on Cake Boss"). Rita and her three brothers would "prank each other a lot," taking advantage of their two-story house to execute their trickery. The siblings would hide behind corners and scare each other, or "throw water in each other's faces from the second floor." Essentially, they "would just play very rough" and "very mean." Fortunately, their fighting and roughhousing never amounted to any long-lasting animosity or resentment. Rita enjoyed watching shows like SpongeBob and Avatar: The Last Airbender with her brothers, as well as creepy "pop-up Youtube videos" and scary movies like Insidious.

Rita's family predominantly spoke Tagalog at home, resulting in Rita experiencing some trouble in her early years of elementary school. Rita said it was "definitely very difficult to navigate school" while balancing the two languages. Rita also believes that being forced to prioritize English caused "a lot of clash and erasure" of her Filipino culture. In third grade, Rita was placed in ELA (English Language Acquisition) courses and earned average grades. Looking back, Rita thinks some of her struggles with school may also have resulted from undiagnosed ADHD.

Rita notes that in kindergarten through sixth grade, there was an "emphasis that I wear feminine clothes to school all the time." Rita generally preferred not to wear overtly feminine attire. Sometimes her mother would dress her in "girly" clothing. However, by the time Rita returned home from school, her look would have changed. Eventually, Rita's mother relented as they both realized that dressing her in feminine fashion was "wasting everyone's time." Rita's mother decided to permit Rita to wear whatever she wanted to school, and Rita is grateful for this decision. A hairdresser by trade, Rita's mother would also help her dye her hair in a rainbow of colors. It "was very affirming," Rita states. It allowed her "to shape [her] own identity" and to "feel confident."

Rita's family believed in malleability and understood that everyone was "going to represent themselves differently, especially being the United States." Rita feels fortunate to have such a supportive family, with a mother who is accepting of the varied identities that she and her siblings maintain. For context, Rita identifies as queer, as do two of her brothers. One of Rita's brothers is in the military, while another works in tech. Rita says of her siblings, "we're all different in different ways." She recognizes that not all children receive this same acceptance: "hating your children…a lot of people practice that."

Of her father, Rita bluntly states, "he's just a man." He left the family when Rita was twelve to live in the Philippines, building a house and forming a new life separate from his family in America. Rita has infrequently spoken to her father since he moved. She saw him intermittently between the ages of twelve to eighteen when he would come to visit. She had largely detached herself from him and did not mourn their lost relationship. Rita says that she "just didn't like [her] dad… for how he treated everyone" around her. He was "mean" and "didn't know how to communicate his feelings" or "articulate his thought processes" to others. Even worse, Rita's father was "abusive" in "many forms, in many ways." Witnessing this abuse frightened her and made her disinterested in maintaining a father-daughter relationship. She knew she was "going to be okay" without him when he left. In fact, she "screamed in excitement at the airport" while watching him depart. Rita's mother taught her that "it's important to be surrounded by people that care about you," rather than "people that just don't want to put in effort." True to this belief, Rita's mother invited her college friend and her friend's children to move in with the family. She also invited others to stay in the home who had immigrated from the Philippines to work as nurses in the Central Valley hospitals. It was a "women empowering" environment, and Rita felt taken care of.

Adolescence

Rita's middle and high school years were mixed, as they are for many adolescents. She aimed to excel in school, but fell short of her goal. She would often fall into the slippery slope of procrastination and struggled with "really bad time management." Sometimes, Rita would try to hide her report card to prevent her mother from seeing it. Rita's mom was not "a stereotypical tiger mom," but Rita still felt an internal pressure to perform.

Rita disliked the drama of middle school. In 2012, her peers "thought the world was going to end because of the Mayan calendar." She was also coming of age at a time when social media use was becoming more widespread, and "little 7th graders" were posting regularly on Instagram. Rita recalls that her schoolmates were "very much focused on having little boyfriends." In contrast, Rita was not interested in dating and immersed herself "in crafts and music." She liked discovering new music, especially "indie alternative music" like German punk music. Rita's brothers would always blast "heavy punk music" when they dropped her off at school, "which made [her] feel cool." Music has played a big role in Rita's life. In fact, Rita went on to become an intern at a nonprofit that offers music therapy. She describes music as "impactful" in the way she processes things and in the way it can "resonate with certain emotions."

Soon Rita graduated and prepared to enter high school. Initially, her high school was not an ideal fit. As Rita puts it, "I was just, like, really gay. And people were very homophobic in 2014." In her second semester, Rita's mother decided to move across town to a new home, which meant that Rita transferred to a different high school. Even here, her peers were still judgemental and even racist. The other students in the new community were "majority Asian and white." Rita felt that sometimes they judged her for her colored, short hair and sometimes they "were just haters because… they're boring." Her new high school had predominantly white teachers, and she felt as if she was "being singled out" in an unfair power dynamic. Rita says, "most teachers just made [her] feel inferior" or were generally rude towards her. She also ascribed the adversity that she experienced in school to the coming of age at the rise of the Trump administration. Students at her high school would "antagonize black folks'' and form "secret Snapchat groups that would talk about hate crime-ing black people." Rita saw racism directed towards people of different backgrounds, particularly Native Americans, "darker toned Indian people," and black people. Although the racism was not directed at Rita, she empathized with the victims and felt that she had a responsibility to stand against the discrimination. Rita felt that many of her peers were lighter skinned people who had trouble recognizing their privilege and that they "needed to broaden [their] spectrum more" in how they "perceived more marginalized communities."

Not everything was negative at this second high school, however, as Rita felt "adopted" by a group of Latinas. She appreciated being allowed entry into a pre-existing clique. Rita also met other friends through joining a leadership group, French Club, and Gay Straight Alliance. Even though she wasn't taking French in school, she gravitated to French Club in part because the French teacher was queer. The French teacher, a person of color, was from Berkeley and a welcome respite from the homogeneity of her majority white Fresno high school. Rita also joined the JROTC because she thought being in the military would help her pay for college. She enjoyed the physical aspects of the training, but ultimately decided it was not the right path for her after learning about some of the history of the United States Air Force.

Mental Health Issues

One day, Rita was sitting in class when her "pronouns were misused" by a student during a presentation. Suddenly Rita felt as if there was "an apple stuck in [her] throat." Her heart began beating so rapidly that she thought it was "going to pop." Rita's teacher excused her to leave the classroom, but she was not able to walk to the nurse's office. She sat outside and hyperventilated until a school worker picked her up in a golf cart and brought her to the nurse. Upon arriving at the nurse's office, Rita was exhausted and her "body felt so heavy." She quickly fell asleep. When she woke up, Rita's backpack was near her and she was told she was going home. Rita "took a really big nap" at home and reflected, "I hope this doesn't happen again." Looking back, Rita does not believe that the student purposely misused her pronouns "out of malicious intent." It was "purely just an accident," but nonetheless, the experience was extremely upsetting. At the time, Rita was also unfamiliar with the concept of mental health and felt "scared to ask mental health questions."

Rita's next episode happened in her math class, an environment that Rita attributes many of these attacks to. After some more incidents, Rita finally understood that she was experiencing panic attacks when a teacher witnessed her endure an episode and "checked in" with her. He recommended that she join a peer facilitator group, a student-led coalition where students could mentor one another and discuss mental health issues. Rita soon discovered that the group was composed of students of "different ages and in different grades." The group was "as diverse as can be" while in a "pretty white school." Students were paired together for mentoring sessions. At first, Rita struggled some to open up to other students. She "definitely did not want to cry in front of people [she] didn't know," but progressively "let out the things [she] had been bottling in." Overall, Rita appreciated having "mutual acknowledgment with a stranger." She would see a student from her mentoring class in the hallways and they would casually "give a little headnod" to one another.

Later on in high school, Rita started dating someone, forming what she called her "first real relationship." They stayed together for six months, before Rita's girlfriend cheated on her with a man. Rita "had a very fragile ego," and felt compelled to compare herself to the man. She realized later that this comparison is "a losing game," but it "just really hurt [her] feelings." She told the school counselor that she wanted to kill herself because "when you're in love, it just feels very deep." An ambulance was called, and after arriving at the high school, Rita was loaded onto a gurney. At the hospital, Rita was held in a psychiatric ward for forty-eight hours. Her shoelaces and "anything she could kill herself [with]" were removed. When she ate, she was given instant noodles ("mushy food that you can't choke on") and a spork ("you can't, like, stab yourself"). Rita was seventeen at the time, and was placed with other teens and children instead of grown adults. Her mother knew about the cheating incident and was compassionate, but also recognized that Rita needed treatment. Her brothers also checked up on her. Rita was very unwell and believed she "was going to die before turning twenty-one." Rita explains that dying young is relatively common for people in the Central Valley due to widespread drug overdoses. Rita's mother worked in a hospital and told Rita how many young adults who were Rita's age died. Rita thought she would face a similar fate because she was "very reckless" and had always been a thrillseeker. She is uncertain why she is this way, but believes she "was just very sad" and "felt many emotions, so deeply."

Ultimately, Rita believes the involuntary hospitalization (known as 5150 in California) was a "double-edged sword." She was seen by a psychiatrist and then connected with another psychiatrist through her health insurance for aftercare upon release. She was given Lithium, "to suppress any…sad feelings… Then there was Lexapro to further suppress." These drugs made Rita's emotions disappear. Someone Rita knew passed away and she did not react, which disturbed her. Rita would "rather feel something than feel nothing." Additionally, the psychiatrist also prescribed Adderall to address ADHD, even though "there was no full diagnosis of ADHD." Rita admits that she exaggerated certain feelings and symptoms in order to have access to the drug. "I definitely abused it," Rita confesses. Adderall helped Rita work forty-hour weeks (at a poke restaurant across town to fund her planned move to the San Francisco Bay Area) while completing her "hellish" senior year of high school. Looking back, Rita feels that the "developing young brain doesn't need certain things sometimes." She believes the cocktail of different medications permanently altered her brain and "were not helpful to her."

As Rita finished high school, she adopted a partying lifestyle, indulging in excessive smoking and drinking. As time progressed, her behavior "got more wild" and Rita began experimenting with magic mushrooms (psychedelic drugs also known as "shrooms"). Rita was drawn to magic mushrooms out of a "fascination of substances" that occurs "when you live in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing to do." Rita wanted to experience all that psychedelic drugs could offer and also began using acid. Rita's family was somewhat aware of her drug experimentation. In fact, one of Rita's brothers gave her the first magic mushroom she ever tried.

Around this time, Rita also became more self-conscious and aware of her body. Growing up, Rita was exposed to media that did not feature anyone who looked like her — Filipino or Southeast Asian. Rita was never overweight; she and her family are naturally "pretty healthy and small," but in the last two years of high school, she increasingly felt dissatisfied with her appearance. Rita would complete strenuous workouts and "throw up a lot" to control her physique. She justified her frequent vomiting by thinking of the Egyptian practice of throwing up as a method to purge their stomach. It was not until a friend commented on Rita's frequent vomiting that Rita realized she had a problem. Eventually, Rita's throwing up and excessive exercise habits faded away, as her perception shifted over time and she felt more comfortable about her body. Many of Rita's friends have also suffered from eating disorders. She has learned not to comment on their appearances or food habits as comments can "trigger the homie next to you."

College

After graduating from high school, she traveled north to stay with a friend in Oakland. The friend had also recently moved to the San Francisco Bay Area, and they explored the region together. Rita began attending college in the East Bay. Rita believed she had escaped Fresno and that her reality would be very different, but college and adult life did not measure up to her expectations. She struggled to navigate her courses and to achieve good grades. She paid for the first semester of college with the money she saved during her senior year, but after paying tuition and other expenses, she only had $100 left in her bank account. However, Rita refused to ask her mom for money out of principle. She wanted to manage independently, and did not want to "create financial issues for others to deal with." In dire financial straits, Rita began "mopping" (slang for stealing) from stores for food and essentials.

While dealing with the search for more friends, cheaper housing, and college success, Rita became infatuated with someone and they dated for eight months. One day, that person hit Rita. The person claimed to be joking, but Rita knew that even "if you say you're kidding, there's that intention of hitting someone." She confided in a housemate who spelled out the situation for Rita; it was physical abuse and not a playful joke. Rita then broke up with her partner. She slightly regretted her decision but figured, "if it's meant to be, then they'll come back."

Rita realized that she was too young to be dealing with issues like physical abuse and decided to refocus her efforts on school and decided to "take a break" from dating. When she began college, she was "fascinated with psychology" and of "righting the wrongs of what was given to [her]." However, Rita shifted her plans and instead decided to major in business, in order to help her navigate a fundamentally "capitalistic society." At one point, Rita considered majoring in plant science, but realized that chemistry was not her strong suit and remained with business. As Rita went about her educational career, she ended up finding a new partner that she "met through the interweb." The friend invited her to attend some art shows that she had organized. Rita and her partner connected over their mutual appreciation of art and culture.

Over time, Rita's mental health has markedly improved. She suffers from panic attacks less frequently, and can identify potential triggers such as sleeplessness or overscheduling herself. Typically, Rita can "feel them"' begin and can mitigate their effects through strategies like taking a bath, having "check-in moments" while at her internship, or by watching reality TV shows. In the future, Rita does not see herself returning to a psychiatrist, but is interested in herbal medicine and practices that align with "the lens of Southeast Asian culture." Rita finds that mental health services are too often "westernized," which is a significant drawback for Rita. She's particularly interested in the use of cannabis as a healing medicine, and believes it has the potential to naturally help those like her mother who suffer from arthritis. She also notes that these industries have a long history of failing people of color, and believes it is time for more diversity.

Rita recommends young adults find "communities that they feel safe in" that help build their self-esteem and confidence. Speaking from experience, Rita dissuades teenagers and young adults from relying on medications meant to suppress emotions, which may permanently impact "developing brains… forever." Instead, they should seek social connections with others who share similar identities and personality traits. If this seems too daunting, they can journal to better recall how they felt in moments of stress, depression, or anxiety. Additionally, Rita advises discussing issues with family before attempting to self-medicate with substances.