Grief Across Generations

In her early twenties, Echo (pseudonym) dons long braided hair and a bright white smile, complemented by a glowing complexion. Her quiet and gentle demeanor gives no clue to the depths of grief and sense of betrayal woven into her life story.

Echo's parents immigrated from Jamaica and they met while attending university in the United States. Echo laughs as she explains how her father would woo her mother. At first, Echo's mother thought that he "had a big head" and was more interested in one of his friends. Nevertheless, Echo's father was incredibly persistent. He waited for Echo's mother outside of her apartment and did other things "that probably wouldn't be very acceptable in today's society." Eventually, Echo's mother gave in and agreed to date – and eventually marry – Echo's father. They settled in a small, suburban town in New Jersey, mostly composed of mostly black and Latino residents. Echo's mother worked as an accountant while her father worked for the Port Authority, guarding the bridges and tunnels that connected New York to New Jersey. They settled in a small town in New Jersey and had Echo's brother and then Echo, five years later.

Early Tragedy

When Echo was four, she and her brother were playing with their father one regular afternoon. Suddenly, their father collapsed to the floor. Echo and her brother thought he was pretending or joking around. They chided, "Daddy, get up." However, he would not rise. Echo ran upstairs to alert their mother, who was working on her computer. She said urgently, "Mom, Daddy's not getting up." Echo's mother responded that Echo's father was probably just playing around. Echo continued to bother her mother until she agreed to come down the stairs. When she got to the room, Echo's mother then realized something was gravely wrong.

Immediately, the paramedics were called. The front of Echo's childhood house had windows and a porch facing the street and Echo remembers standing on the porch watching a whirl of "red and blue lights" surround them. Paramedics rushed into the house and attempted to resuscitate her father; however, "he was gone by that point." Echo's mother sat Echo and her brother down on the living room couches and told them that their father had passed. Her brother reacted with disbelief and confusion. Echo said that she "couldn't wait to see him again in heaven." Echo becomes emotional as she remembers her family "just sitting there crying" together. Echo adds that "Jamaicans are [of] a very strong culture" and that the family attempted to "soldier on and overcome." As time went on, Echo and her family members were affected by the death in different ways.

The loss was especially traumatic for Echo's mother, who took on the responsibilities of a single mother. Echo's mother wanted to be surrounded by family and on the day of her husband's death, she called Echo's grandmother to urge her to move into the house due to the family emergency. Over time, Echo's mother also invited many other family members to come live with them, giving rise to the feeling that the house was sometimes "crammed" with different cousins and relatives. Even still, Echo's mother became "very morose," frequently staying in bed. Later on, she explained to Echo how it physically "hurt to move." As life moved on, the pressures of providing for the household (including extended relatives) mounted. There were many incidents where Echo's mother would "just snap" and "yell so loud." The entire house could hear her scream about how she felt angry and "taken advantage of." Echo's mother argued how the residing family members, including Echo, "were too much for her," as she was "paying for all of the bills… by herself." In these moments, Echo felt like this was her fault. She would fish for coins "between the couch cushions." One day, she gathered $2.46, and tried to give it to her mother for the mortgage payments. Other times, Echo would cower and "hide under the covers" in her room, just waiting "for it to be all over." Looking back, Echo believes she "fell between the cracks," as her mother felt "she needed to provide for people in Jamaica, for her family, for everyone." Echo's mother was so preoccupied with her work and providing that she stopped "giving any attention" to Echo. It was "just really difficult."

Echo's brother was nine years old and in fourth grade when his father passed away, and he also relied on others. He "found some solace" in his friend group, as they were "like a second family to him." He commiserated with one of their aunts, which Echo found ironic, since that aunt "has a history of being a very cold woman." Although that aunt did not display outward signs of affection, she "showed up" for their family, especially for Echo's brother. He also valued an older cousin who lived just a block away from Echo and her family. The cousin was a "six-foot-three, steroid-popping beast" and "a very formidable man." Underneath that tough exterior, though, this cousin was "warm" and "the life of the party." Outside of the family, Echo's brother found "father figures" in others, like his sports coach, and bonded with his male teachers at school.

For Echo, the "world became a very scary place" after her father died. For example, Echo used to play soccer. Echo remembers her father coming to her games with a folding lawn chair, a beer, and a newspaper. After he was gone, Echo explains, "that stopped for me." Echo stopped having the confidence to play those soccer games. She believed that she no longer could "be that person" and "kind of just stopped existing in a way." Echo's grief was compounded by the abruptness of her father's passing.

Many people "tried to be there" for Echo in their own ways. However, unlike her brother, Echo tried to "bottle up and stuff down" her emotions. Despite her young age, Echo felt "responsible" for "protecting the peace of mind" of everyone around her – she especially did not want to disturb her mother. She had an ongoing sense that she "was just making things worse" if she were to cry or express her grief. She would alternate becoming numb and then crying when she could not hold it in anymore, and then becoming numb, especially when people began calling her a "crybaby." Essentially, Echo would "cry a lot or just feel nothing." Echo describes herself as a "sad kid." She shares, "it was hard to be friends with me," citing how it is difficult for other kids "to understand or empathize."

At school, Echo would "heavily dissociate" and her teachers would admonish her for "spacing out." Echo did not learn about dissociation until she was older, but she speculates her "zoning out" was a "trauma response" that her mind enacted to minimize vulnerability. Echo did begin seeing child therapists at school and one of them left a lasting impression. Mrs. Compton had a short haircut with bangs and wore knee-high boots and Echo "would get kind of excited" to be taken out of her first grade class to meet with her. They would color together with crayons and markers. Mrs. Compton asked Echo to color what her home looked like. Echo would color the lawn outside, the porch, the two trees in the backyard, and her beloved swing set. It was nice to color. Sometimes, Echo would become withdrawn and "retreat into herself." Coloring with Mrs. Compton helped Echo feel less scared and alone.

Echo excelled in school and "got great grades" and she felt proud of this, especially as her intelligence "was something people would always compliment [her] on." Although she liked academics, Echo also remembers school sometimes being scary. Her teachers were very strict and "very condescending." Additionally, Echo experienced strong anxiety about her performance in school and felt that "even at her best, [she] wasn't enough." A score of 96% on a test would leave Echo fixated on the four missing points. Aiming to make all of her assignments perfect before submitting them, she would "procrastinate" and "do them all the night before." This pattern proved extremely stressful for Echo. On the "off times" when Echo would finish her homework or projects in a "timely manner," she was "really proud of herself." She would think to herself, "See, I can do it." But Echo pushed away self-approval in favor of negative self-beliefs and ultimately "held a lot of self-criticism." Compliments from others did little to assuage Echo. She would feel "happy and joyful in the moment," but then, "all of the self-critical thoughts would… just flood in." Looking back, Echo connects her self-criticism to her father's passing.

As the years went on, Echo also developed a rebellious streak. While some might attribute the shift in attitude to her growing up, Echo thinks that the cause was something deeper: a rejection of her self-criticism. Echo had grown up with the backdrop that "if you follow all these rules, if you say the right thing, if you do the right thing, then good things will happen to you." However, her "dad [was] still dead" even though she figured that she had not done "anything… perceived as wrong." His death led to financial strain, hostility from Echo's mother, and to Echo's incredibly low self-confidence. In reaction, Echo concluded that "it doesn't really matter… bad things will happen nonetheless." In this despair, Echo lost hope in "trying to be good or trying to be fake happy."

Betrayal

One cousin that Echo grew up with moved out to a house nearby. One day, when Echo was in early middle school, she announced to her mother, "I don't have anything to do or anyone to hang out with." Her mother suggested she go visit her cousin and his siblings up the street. On that excursion, that cousin sexually assaulted Echo by inappropriately touching her. Echo did not delve into the specifics of what occurred, but the emotional toll caused by her family's response is particularly vivid.

Echo confided in her mother how he "had touched [her] inappropriately." Her mother was getting ready to go to her boyfriend's house and "just looked at [her]." After hearing Echo's story, she "just went back to getting ready." Echo's mother never confronted her sister (Echo's aunt) – Echo felt that her mother "didn't do much of anything" to advocate for her.

About a year later, when Echo overheard her aunts joking about the cousin assaulting other girls in a similar way at school. Speaking of his actions towards other girls, Echo recounts that their general sentiment was "oh, well, maybe he was horny." At that point, Echo spoke up and let them know that he did the same to her. "They hushed me… They just made me stop talking and just swept it all under the rug and it was just made into a joke… and not considered for what it was... not respecting women. So after that, I guess I just got the message that this wasn't discussed and it was just something I had to repress." Compounding that message, Echo alluded to the assault at school. The teachers all seemed to defend Echo's cousin, writing off his behavior to his youth and being "just a kid." They did not communicate to Echo how she was a victim or how she deserved justice. At this juncture, Echo felt as if she "entered into a world… where no one could comprehend what I know to be right and wrong." In the throes of uncertainty, "nothing really felt real" and Echo felt "deeply gaslit." Echo's preexisting fears of guilt and of "being alone in the world" were reinforced. She would cry herself to sleep every night from the emotional pain but could not voice her pain to others. Echo "repressed the memory for a few years."

Moving On

As a child, Echo was insecure about her maturity. She was "always wondering if [she] was being mature enough." Adults would often remark how Echo was "mature for her age." Instead of improving Echo's self-image, this led Echo to believe she had to maintain maturity at all times. Echo acknowledges that her "idea of maturity" was mostly about how she must "stifle down" all of her emotions, despite never being "good at hiding" her emotions. She says if she is angry or about to cry, "you can definitely tell." This tendency clashed with Echo's desire to uphold her stoic ideals of maturity. As a result, Echo was hyperconscious about expressing herself. She feared her peers and authority figures would criticize her for being "too sensitive." When Echo did speak out, she would sometimes broach soul-stirring topics about "love and death" and her family would mock her for "saying all these dramatic things." Generally, Echo was a good sport about their teasing. However, sometimes the interactions with her family members would make her uncomfortable.

The friends Echo had during her elementary school years "all drifted apart." This contributed to Echo's isolation and "fed a lot of insecurities." As she emerged into her preteen and adolescent years, Echo had a "chip on [her] shoulder" and grew worried about "no one liking [her]." She felt compelled to "prove her worth" to others and "simultaneously… be this hyper-independent person." She pretended to be unbothered by her lack of friends. Looking back, Echo believes she withdrew as becoming close to others "was something that [she] deemed as unsafe." In fact, she would actively sabotage relationships by acting "weird" and unlikable. Around this same time, the ringleader of Echo's friend group led a movement against Echo. She told the group, "Echo's annoying" and everyone distanced themselves from her. Other school-age drama ensued. When a new girl started at the school, the ringleader decided to replace Echo's place in the friend group with the new girl. Echo felt dejected and upset.

Another memory from middle school was a particular female teacher. "Amongst all of the mean nuns, she was really nice," Echo remembers. The teacher "was really into English literature" and put Echo on to different classic novels. Echo remarked to a boy in her class, "Isn't she so great? She's so smart." Instead of agreeing with her, the boy responded, "You're in love with [her], aren't you?" Echo profusely denied this and told him, "Look, I don't swing that way." However Echo realized she had a pattern of disinterest "anytime the boys would try to get at [her]." Even though Echo "desperately wanted a boyfriend" and was longing for companionship, she "would just curve them." A considerable part of Echo coming to terms with her sexuality was through movies and TV shows. She watched Blue is the Warmest Color and shows featuring gay and queer characters, like the British series Skins. Echo would shift between thinking she was pansexual and gay.

Echo started at a private Catholic high school, and she recalls how she "was actually pretty excited" for it. The school year kicked off with a retreat, a "glamping activity" where all the freshman students had the opportunity to become acquainted. Echo met one of her best friends on the retreat. She admired how her friend dyed her hair different colors and would smoke weed.

Echo describes how at first, everyone thought she would be "as cool as [her brother] is." Echo described her brother as the "confident older sibling" who was popular in the community for his athleticism and gregariousness. Eventually, they figured out that Echo was very different than him, but she still enjoyed the "air of celebrity." She kissed a boy for the first time during the freshman dance. "Mind you," Echo adds, "I'm a lesbian." Nevertheless, Echo enjoyed the attention and reaching this adolescent milestone. She joined tennis and ran track, which she adored, and "met some pretty cool people." She also became involved in various teenage antics, which she laughingly looks back on. Echo's best friend was dating this "way older" guy, who "was actually kind of sketchy." He secured Echo's friend a fake ID. Echo and her friend snuck off to the corner store and managed to buy "two hookah pens." They smoked hookah pens all day in Echo's friend's house. When the friend's mother suddenly approached the room door, Echo's friend urged Echo to tuck the hookah pen "into [her] bra strap." Neither Echo or her friend were caught.

Near the start of high school, the vice principal approached Echo with a work-study proposal. He offered her a job assisting the school janitor in exchange for a tuition discount. Echo agreed to the arrangement to reduce her mother's expenses. When she eagerly informed her mother of her new job, however, she told Echo, "No, the tuition is my responsibility," adding that "$100 off of tuition [is] nothing." Echo was completely bewildered. She responded to her mother, "You were always saying how no one helps you." Echo felt betrayed and confused. After all, over the years, Echo listened to her mother repeatedly moan that "No one helps me. I'm just all alone." Adding to that frustration, Echo put up with embarrassment and ridicule from her peers for taking the job. A friend spotted Echo cleaning after school and commented, "Why are you here sweeping the school? You're not a janitor." Echo felt at her "wit's end" and helpless.

The work-study episode epitomized an underlying tension that Echo felt that her very existence imposed upon her mother. Among the many people who lived with Echo's mother, Echo was one more responsibility. Yet, there was nothing Echo could do to satisfy her mother – she could not take back being born. Echo believes this may have led to the "suicidal ideation" she had growing up. After all, if Echo was not there, perhaps her mother "would feel less stressed out if she had one less mouth to feed." Echo thought to herself, "I could just die" and it might remove some of her mother's pain. When Echo voiced her concerns of being a burden to her mother, her mother admitted, "Yes, you and [your brother] are a burden on me sometimes. But I chose to be a mother." Echo did not know how to respond. Echo's mother enrolled Echo in mental health therapy, and Echo would express some of her emotions to the therapist. At the end of the session, during "wrap-up," the therapist would speak to both Echo and her mother. The therapist relayed Echo's sentiments and Echo's mother acted incredulous, saying to Echo, "You're not a burden, no. Why would you ever think that?" In another episode on a cruise vacation, Echo apologized to her mother since her mother had to pay for her, her brother, and their grandmother's cruise tickets. Echo's mother responded, "I should just give you away," and also emphasized to Echo, "it's not all about you." Echo sat outside on the room's balcony for hours in the cold. Eventually, her mother would go out onto the balcony and attempt to make amends. However, these apologies were "few and far between." Echo felt powerless as she had attempted to ease her mother's burden before, and was met with resistance.

Echo enjoyed her high school classes and performed well. One class, AP European History, was the "hardest class" that she "ever took in her life." Midway through the semester, she "just burnt out" and went "weeks without turning in assignments." Although she scraped by and passed the class, she was not able to finish the final AP exam determining if she would receive college credit. When Echo submitted her exam early, the proctor gave her a "judgy look." Echo had to make up for some of her missing work the following school year. Ultimately, she believes this class was "the worst decision of [her] academic career."

Echo also began seeing a mental health therapist in high school. Therapy helped Echo with "managing the pain." She appreciated having someone to talk to, a nonjudgmental third party who could assess Echo's life and help her navigate through it. Echo learned new breathing techniques and strategies to deal with her mother. Ultimately, Echo found therapy like "having mentors in [her] community."

Moving to California

For years, Echo's mother had talked about moving to a different place. Echo was never permitted to put up posters or photos in her room because her mother said, "we might move." When Echo was thirteen, she became heavily invested in photography and asked if she could make the basement into a darkroom. She was again denied on the grounds that the family might move.

In the summer before Echo's junior year, the move actually happened. The goal of the move, at least for Echo's mother, was "to get away from all of [their] family." Echo's mother was tired of "feeling like she had to take care of everyone" and "out of control in her own house." In search of a new life and greater stability, she made plans to move to California. She always wanted to live in California; "sunny places remind her of Jamaica, where she grew up." Echo was sixteen at the time. Echo stayed up all night "packing and being stressed out" and had a "movie moment" saying a heartfelt goodbye to one of her closest friends as her friend boarded a bus.

As Echo unpacked her physical belongings into her new bedroom in California, she also unpacked her emotional and psychological traumas. It was at this time that Echo confronted her mother once again regarding the lack of a response to the sexual assault that happened in middle school. Echo's mother "made all of these lies and excuses," claiming that she thought the traumatic event, "was just like some innocent thing." However, Echo knew her mother was aware of a previous assault that her cousin committed against another female cousin. That female cousin's family stopped speaking to the male cousin's family, so Echo's mother "knew that this was a pattern with him." Echo suspects her mother refused to react as it "triggered" her. When Echo's mother was little, "someone…attempted to rape her." She "had no one to tell," not even Echo's grandmother, "not anyone."

The move itself proved difficult for Echo. She was in a "new town, in a new state" where she "didn't know anyone." To make matters worse, at her new school, she was "probably like one of three black people in the whole school." She did like her bedroom in the new house, where she had her own shower and a "really dope" space to relax in.

Whereas Echo spent most of her junior year alone, Echo "made friends with all of the art kids" in her senior year. She took ceramics class and met a new crush. But the relationship was not to be. It turns out that the girl was "that type that everybody had crushed on her at some point." Echo was sad, but "got over it" and the two remained friends. Echo gravitated more and more toward her art courses. Art "was [her] church" and her "therapy." For Echo, "it was everything… to have that artistic expression." Echo delved into other creative activities like theater class and journalism. Finally, she had a strong group of girlfriends who were supportive and lighthearted. They shared memes in funny group chats, sent each other Snapchats, and would all watch Teen Wolf together. It seemed the dark cloud of sadness and grief looming over Echo's childhood had finally lifted.

When Echo was applying for San Francisco State University, the application included a "whole section about how you identified" in terms of sexuality. Echo did not know how to answer the question. So she checked that she was questioning or unsure. The end of the application also required a parent or legal guardian's signature. Echo scrolled down to the very bottom of the application where the signature box was and asked her mother to sign. Her mother scrolled back up and reread the entire application and Echo walked away. Echo was in her room upstairs when she could hear her mother suddenly exclaim, "You're not sure?! About the sexuality part… you're not sure?" Echo demanded that her mother leave her alone.

In Echo's freshman year in college, her mother point blank asked, "Are you gay?" Echo responded, "No, leave me alone." Her mom promised to be accepting, saying "You know I don't care, right? I love you either way." Echo officially came out to her mother later that year when she went on her first date with a girl, which was " a lot of fun." The girl Echo dated would "not be [her] type now," but at the moment, she was "just so excited to be on a date with a girl." They met and connected on Tinder. Later on, Syney also came out to her brother. They were casually chatting on the phone when he asked her if she was seeing anyone. She answered, "this one girl." James simply said back, "that's cool" and was immediately accepting. Echo is "pretty sure everyone else knows" that she is gay by now, as her aunts follow her on social media and Echo does not "censor [her] content."

With regards to another facet of college life, Echo appreciated that she no longer lived with her mother, but she had problems with her freshman dorm roommate. The roommate "had really bad mental health issues" and a history of self-harm. Echo was appalled by her roommate's "really unsafe behaviors," such as going to strangers' houses to sleep with them. She saw many of her own traumas reflected in her roommate. Midway through the semester, Echo's roommate left the university after being raped on campus. Echo told her mother what happened. Her mother said, "oh, that's so awful." Echo grew intensely angry as her mother had never offered her sympathy after her own sexual assault incident years prior.

Echo was "confused for so long" as to why her mother would not advocate for her when her mother "knew what it was like." Echo's mother eventually admitted "she was just in a very deep denial about it." Looking back, Echo believes many of her mother's actions were motivated by "desperately want[ing] family" and "want[ing] to be loved by her family." Echo's mother lived with her father when she moved to the US, and he was abusive towards her and also an alcoholic. She later lived with a relative who forced her to pay rent and would frequently argue with her about money. As a young adult, Echo's mother worked "three full-time jobs" and when she rewarded herself with a blue suede jacket, the relative demanded more money. Echo believes "these experiences really molded" her mom into "wanting a loving family " and "being very needy for it." Echo speculates that this desperation led her mother to convince "all of her cousins to move" to the United States and offered them a place to live, even though it "hurt her financially providing for them" In fact, Echo speculates her mother did many things as an effort to "gain their approval in unhealthy ways." If Echo's mother were to confront her sister about her nephew's behavior, it would likely mean that "she would have to cut them off out of respect for [Echo]." This was something that Echo's mother was unwilling to do. "In some twisted way," Echo explains, "it made more sense for her to sacrifice my trust in her." Eventually, her mother admitted that she had no excuse for not protecting Echo and apologized to her. Echo had waited so many years to hear her mother say that she was sorry about not protecting Echo. After her mother took responsibility, Echo began the path towards healing from her past.

Echo chose to major in psychology. Through her studies, she was able to gain greater introspection and understanding of her childhood trauma. Echo also joined a student therapy program in her freshman year of college. She was paired with a female therapist who listened to her and her traumas. She would "pray for [Echo]" and "just eradicated all of the self-blame" that Echo's mother and brother placed on her for the sexual assault. She told her therapist about how her brother had chastised her, saying to Echo, "you also contributed to this by not using your voice." The therapist said to Echo, "that's not true." There was a limit to the number of sessions Echo could attend and she used all that she was allotted. Next, Echo went to another therapist on her college campus. She poured out her feelings and "was crying and crying." Echo felt her pain and trauma were finally validated.

Later on in college, Echo's mother broke up with her longtime boyfriend whom she had been dating since Echo's middle school years. At that time, Echo was "so happy" that her mother had found a new partner since she felt that the massive weight of caring for her mother's emotions had been lifted from her shoulders. Her mother stopped "running around the house screaming" and "being so angry." Echo's mother stayed with this boyfriend for six years, all through Echo's high school and part of her college years. With the breakup, though, Echo "just tried so hard to avoid her," which was easy when Echo was in college. However, when Echo would live at home during the summer break, "it was hard." Although Echo refused to "be responsible" for her mother's emotions, her mother would corner Echo and try to open up about the breakup. Echo was conflicted. She wanted to be supportive, "because obviously a breakup is really hard," but she also did not want to be used as an emotional crutch. Echo remembers how she would be in the kitchen, making herself something to eat. Her mother would enter the kitchen and attempt to get Echo to look at her. Echo would ignore her, but Echo's mother would navigate herself around the kitchen to ensure Echo could see her in an obviously upset emotional state and she would stare at Echo out of the corner of her eyes. Eventually, Echo would sigh and ask, "What's wrong, Mom?" Her mother would then "just go off." It was extremely challenging to get her mother to stop venting. When Echo would try to console her, her mother would say, "Whatever, Echo," and walk away. Throughout this, Echo harbored some guilt because of a comment that her grandmother once made, saying that one day, Echo's mother "would die from all of the stress." Fearful of losing another parent, Echo felt that "it was up to [her] to literally keep her alive." She reasoned that if she "could just say the right thing" and be the "good daughter," her mother might be less stressed and not have a heart attack. All of this combined to make Echo feel that her mother's emotions were somehow her fault, even if she rationally knew that was not the case.

Post college

Echo graduated college in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic. She joined the ranks of a number of graduates trying to enter the workforce during quarantine lockdowns. In a time of stress and uncertainty, Echo began using the online therapy platform BetterHelp, which she found "very helpful." It was valuable to "have a reminder there," for her to check up on her mental health. After starting work full-time, Echo meets with a therapist through her employer's healthcare provider. She's been with this therapist for over a year now.

Echo believes that anyone who suffers from childhood trauma, sexual assault, or other unresolved mental health issues can benefit from therapy. Echo advocates that therapy can help you "see the world in a more balanced, focused way." It can also help "in reframing… self-critical thoughts" to journey towards a more positive and fulfilling life.