From "Parentless" to Parent

Annette (pseudonym) spent the first five years of her life living with her parents on her grandparents' farm outside of Spokane, Washington. At age five, she and her parents moved into the city. Around this time, Annette's older half-sister came to live with them and Annette's parents also had another daughter. As a result, Annette "went from being an only child to being a middle child… pretty much overnight."

Annette's mother had given birth to Annette's half-sister at the age of sixteen. Unable to properly care for her daughter at this young age, Annette's mother had her grandmother (Annette's great-grandmother) raise her firstborn. While living at her great-grandmother's house, Annette's half-sister enjoyed much freedom. For example, Annette's half-sister spent copious amounts of time with her friends and got away with skipping school. Moving in with Annette's family was a totally different story. Annette's father was a shift-worker at an aluminum mill, and the girls had to be quiet during the days that he worked night shifts. Furthermore, Annette's parents expected both girls to follow their household rules and to behave well in school. With an age gap of about five years, Annette's relationship with her half-sister was not the strongest ("As cool as I thought she was, she wasn't as impressed with me. I wanted to do stuff with her. She didn't necessarily want to hang out with me.").

Six months after moving in, Annette's parents brought Annette's half-sister to a therapist due to the difficulty she was having adjusting. The therapist suggested that her parents and Annette also attend the therapy sessions. Annette, who was five at that time, remembers attending the sessions. Shortly after the girls had begun therapy, Annette's half-sister ran away from home, eventually returning to her great-grandmother's house. Annette came to internalize guilt about her half-sister running away, feeling that she was the one who drove her half-sister away.

Annette's parents continued to send Annette to the same counselor to address the feelings of guilt, but Annette did not connect well with the therapist and felt that he was "kind of strict and not very easy to talk to." The counselor "kind of affirmed that it was my fault… and that kind of started my mental health journey." Annette's parents observed that she was feeling worse and they ended the sessions. This initial encounter with therapy left Annette with a negative impression that caused her to sometimes rebel against future sessions. "That set me up in a wrong trajectory further on — how I looked at counselors and how I looked at going into therapy."

Sudden Impact

At six years old, Annette was asleep in the back seat of her family's car one night when they were hit by a drunk driver. Annette's father was driving, and her mother was sitting in front holding Annette's younger sister, who was one year old. Annette was the one who was most seriously injured: Annette's head took a hit and she vaguely remembers going to the hospital. She was "black and blue" and stayed home from school for a couple of weeks. During that time, and for some time after, any touch or bump to her head would cause her to be sick.

Over the longer term, Annette would get severe headaches (she still continues to get headaches when she is tired) and her vision and perception were also affected. She would sometimes see things backwards or just go blank. After the accident, Annette started to write with overlapping letters. Schoolwork that she had learned and mastered before the accident was forgotten and had to be relearned. These challenges made learning more difficult throughout school. Also, Annette's mother told Annette that she became less happy, more moody, easier to upset, and more impatient after the accident.

Family Upheaval

Reflecting on her mother, Annette shares, "She was a great mom. She really involved herself and did stuff with us and actually made being a mom a job." Annette's father had a rigid and dominant personality, and her mother went along with what he wanted. Annette does not remember ever seeing them argue. Therefore, she was shocked when her parents announced that they were getting divorced. Annette was eleven at the time. Initially, her parents told her that they would stay together until the end of the school year. In reality, they ended up separating after a week. Annette's mother moved out and immediately moved in with a new boyfriend.

Annette chose to live with her father, recalling "At that time, I was thinking my dad works shift work. I was thinking freedom, I'm going to pretty much be able to do what I want." While Annette's younger siblings were going to live with their mother, their father discovered that his ex-wife had moved in with someone else, and insisted that Annette's siblings live with him. After hiring a good lawyer, Annette's father received full custody of the three children, and their time with Annette's mother time was limited to supervised visits. Annette attributes the custody decision to her father's unfavorable portrayal of her mother in court. The divorce was emotionally charged and contentious, with each parent extremely angry and antagonistic towards the other. Annette "felt like both of them went off the deep end at the time."

Annette's home life became unrecognizable overnight. Annette's father did not know how to cook or clean, as Annette's mother had always taken care of these tasks. At first, Annette's father hired a babysitter. But the babysitter would leave when she was supposed to be working. When Annette told her father about this, the gravity of the situation did not seem to register with him. She would call him, but he was spending most of his spare time at a bar and would not come home. Consequently, the previously reserved and quiet Annette began to speak up – yelling even – to challenge her intimidating father and get him to listen. Annette's responsible and mature father seemed to have disappeared. She came to understand that the man whom she thought had all the answers, in actuality, did not.

Annette found herself having to act like the parent while she felt her parents were acting like children. Annette learned how to cook and took care of her siblings. Annette's father ended up hiring another babysitter, a friend of Annette's mother, and "that kind of evolved into a marriage." In addition to gaining a stepmother, Annette also gained a stepsister. However, Annette's home life continued to lack structure and much needed supervision. Annette's new stepmother was an alcoholic and Annette's father started drinking more. Annette and her new stepsister were essentially left on their own for a month. At the grocery store down the street, they had an account they could charge items to. Using this account, they were able to buy cigarettes, claiming that the cigarettes were for their parents, and started smoking. For fun, the two girls often went roller skating. When the roller rink closed at midnight, they would have to wait until the bars closed at 2 AM for Annette's stepmother to pick them up. Occasionally, Annette and her stepsister would get into trouble (for example, for skipping school), but punishments would not last long since the parents relied on them too much to watch the younger siblings. As a child, Annette enjoyed her freedom, but in retrospect, Annette appreciates that she needed more boundaries and supervision.

Emotional Turmoil

As time went on, Annette's frustrations compounded. She was frustrated over the splitting up of her family, frustrated with her father's unfair treatment of her mother during the divorce, and frustrated that she now had to become like a parent. She also resented that a longtime friend of her mother ended up marrying her father. Her frustrations boiled over when she was twelve years old: "I destroyed my room. I tore everything down. […] Anger's got to either go in or out, and sometimes it comes out."

After tearing up her room, Annette was sent to counseling. Reluctant to go, she recalls, "It didn't go well. I gave [the counselors] a hard time, and I went through a lot of counselors." Annette believes that the counseling was not helpful at this time because she had no desire to go. Annette felt that the counseling was not effective "probably because I had a bad attitude about it. I wasn't really trying to open up to them at all." Annette also said "You got to want it to work. You know what I mean? You kind of got to have the right attitude about it. So I kind of didn't help myself a lot. As a kid, I rebelled against it." She remembers being told that she had manic depression and required medication, but her father objected to her taking prescription drugs.

Annette decided to move in with her mother, thinking that she could get away with more than she could with her father. Nevertheless, Annette was still struggling mentally, and at age thirteen, she tried to kill herself. When asked what triggered the suicide attempt, Annette reflected that "You're less equipped to deal with it as a kid. You know what I mean? You're just angry. And maybe you don't know why. I think a lot of it had to do with my parents at that point, being frustrated and feeling like I got stuck with their responsibilities." Annette's parents took her to a psychiatric hospital, where she was told that she could either choose to enter or would be admitted involuntarily. Annette "found power" in signing herself in, recalling "I felt like I had more control over it. Maybe I didn't but, at the time, it seemed like it made more sense than trying to fight against it." Annette spent two weeks at the hospital. It turned out that the hospital's stable environment, with rules and structure, reassured Annette and made her feel safe. Annette reflects "It makes you feel more secure. It really does. You're supposed to have structure and rules. That's how you know you're loved. Anybody lets you do anything – that isn't love. It really isn't." She appreciated the predictability of the hospital's routine and knowing that all of her meals were being provided. "I actually didn't want to leave when my parents came to get me out." She notes the constant tension she felt as an adolescent between wanting to be able to do what she wanted and wanting to feel secure and safe, which meant having rules.

High School

After an unpleasant and unsuccessful month at a mainstream high school, Annette chose to attend an alternative school. The school was part of a center that provided services for teens living on the street. The students had flexible attendance options and their days did not begin until 10 AM, which suited Annette well. The alternative school "ended up being a really good thing," as she ended up as a "star student." "Compared to the rest of the kids, I didn't get arrested, I didn't do a lot of things." The staff at the alternative school became like parents ("more than my parents were my parents").

However, "Everybody I was hanging out with was a good four or five years older than me. Probably not appropriate." Annette had already been smoking marijuana and with this older crowd, she started drinking more and her drug use quickly began to include acid and cocaine (Annette notes that "I didn't really have a parent that was actively being a parent – I was way out of control"). When Annette spontaneously decided she wanted to go to drug rehabilitation for her increasing drug use, the school staff responded swiftly and coordinated with Annette's father to use his health insurance. The rehabilitation program she attended entailed staying in cabins at a campground in Idaho. For the first time, Annette met with a counselor that she respected. The counselor motivated Annette by saying that she did not think Annette could stop using drugs. Since Annette liked the counselor, Annette viewed this as a challenge and decided to prove the counselor wrong. Annette believes that her choosing to be in the program voluntarily played an important role: the program "worked more than it didn't."

Motherhood

When Annette was thirteen, she met someone in high school who was about six years older than her and they started dating. A few years later, Annette had precancerous cells on her cervix removed and was told that she might not ever be able to have children. "So all of a sudden I wanted to have kids because I thought I wasn't going to be able to." Annette and her boyfriend deliberately tried to conceive and she became pregnant with her eldest at sixteen, like her mother. Becoming pregnant "changed a lot of things" for Annette, including becoming sober.

Annette gave birth to a son, and after his arrival, she "grew up." Since she wanted to be able to take care of her son, she decided that "school had to be important" and "a lot of things had to just be different." In contrast, her boyfriend did not change his behavior. They lived together with their son, and her boyfriend was an alcoholic and proved to be abusive. One night, after coming home drunk and angry, he picked her up and threw her. Annette's stepsister ran with her son a few blocks away to a payphone to call Annette's mother to come get them. Annette left with her son in the middle of the night. "And then I ended up going back because you're young, you think the kid needs a dad." Eighteen months after their first son was born, Annette gave birth to their second son.

When Annette's younger son was three months old, she took him to the hospital because he had started having seizures. Three days later, Annette learned that the baby had been injured by being forcefully shaken. He was shaken "hard enough that if he had fallen off of a two-story building and landed on his head, he'd have been in better condition than he was." Annette reflects, "I was totally alone when they told me. I just stood in disbelief at the end of his crib. I couldn't move or speak. The whole world stopped in that moment and nothing has ever been the same since." The baby was placed on life support ("he had more tube than there was baby"). He regressed to the point that he could not even suck, as is standard for newborn babies. The hospital staff told Annette many things that ended up not being true, such as the baby never getting off of the feeding tube. They also said that he was blind, but the next day, they said they read the test incorrectly. They said he would never walk. At one point in the hospital, the baby received last rites and Annette was told, "Anybody that wants to see this baby better come do it."

Every adult who had access to the baby was under suspicion. When Annette learned that her son had been shaken, "I stood at the end of a crib, and I probably looked guilty. I couldn't move when they told me what was wrong with him. People expect you to react a certain way. And you don't always react the way people think you're going to react." Annette took a polygraph test, as did her mother. Annette thought maybe one of her nieces or nephews had accidentally injured the baby, but she was told that they would not have been strong enough to shake him with the amount of force that was used. Meanwhile, Annette's boyfriend did not show up for his polygraph test.

The social worker assigned by Child Protective Services (CPS) believed Annette when she said that she had not caused the injury. Annette was still attending the alternative high school and the school staff "went to bat" for her. The daycare that Annette sent her son to also vouched for what kind of parent she was. Annette had been living with her mother and had obtained a restraining order against her sons' father. At the direction of CPS, Annette moved to her own apartment without telling him where she was living. But he found the apartment and tried to break in. Annette happened to hear him as he was entering through a window and "slammed the window on his fingers." He went to prison for the attempted break-in. While in jail, he confessed to having shaken his younger son and received the maximum sentence for second-degree assault – five years. Annette was disgusted that this was the maximum sentence. "He got five years. It was kind of over for him. […] For me, for [my son], it's never going to be over."

Forging Ahead

Coping with her son's challenges was difficult for Annette. She was livid at her sons' father and "spent a good 18 years trying to figure out how to make his life worse. Anger is not helpful either. It's not helpful." During these years, Annette went to counseling periodically, "trying to get over the anger." After her son's injury, Annette was scared to spend time with him. He was still having seizures, and she worried that she might be accused of injuring him. She felt guilty that her son's father had harmed him and guilty that she had not been able to protect him. Overwhelmed and frightened, Annette contacted CPS herself. Her parents then took care of her sons for a period of time. Annette started trying prescribed medications for her psychiatric diagnoses, including bipolar disorder. Intermittently, she tried counseling for periods of time lasting from months to a couple of years. Annette's health insurance would only cover one-on-one therapy if she also went to group therapy sessions, which Annette did not like attending. Due to the considerable amount of therapy she already had, she was frustrated by what she perceived as repetitive discussions in group therapy. Annette also "had some anger issues" with the counselors.

However, Annette saw one counselor during this time that she found helpful. "I felt like she understood me. She also would call me on stuff." With other counselors, Annette felt she could manipulate them to say what she wanted to hear. "But somewhere in there I learned some tools, too, on how to deal with stuff. Picked up things here and there that now I see are useful." Strategies Annette has learned include tiring herself out physically rather than mentally, and doing art as an outlet. The idea is to divert her troubling thoughts to prevent them from spiraling endlessly. Annette continues to be reluctant to use medication in connection with her mental health.

By now, it was clear to Annette that she was going to have to provide for her children and, therefore, graduating from high school "had to be a priority." With the help of the staff at her high school, Annette completed two years of school work in six months in order to graduate. Annette then started attending college until, for the second time in her life, she was hit by a drunk driver. Balancing the demands of being a single parent was difficult enough already, let alone her younger son's frequent medical appointments. The injuries from the car accident were so extensive that Annette "couldn't lift a gallon of milk," and with that, her college career was over.

Not graduating from college left Annette feeling directionless, and she had depression. She wondered, "What am I going to do now?" She felt pressure from being responsible for her sons and from the uncertainty of whether her younger son was going to be okay. Though he had survived being shaken, Annette did not know to what extent he would recover ("At that point, he wasn't doing a whole lot. He was off a feeding tube, but he wasn't doing a whole lot.").

Annette shares that "somebody else did a lot of the raising of" her second son, who ended up living primarily with a woman that Annette considers to be his second mother. This woman had training in social work involving developmental disabilities and her knowledge of the developmental goals that Annette's son could be expected to reach enabled her to push Annette's son towards those goals more firmly than Annette would have been able to. "She's been amazing." While Annette could be firm and set boundaries with her oldest son, she struggled to do that with her second son due to the guilt she felt over his injury. Regarding her sons generally, Annette notes, "If I'm not the best thing for them, I love them enough […] to make sure they're going to be with who is the best thing for them." Annette's younger son was able to learn to walk and talk and to attend a specialized school, but he has lifelong health challenges and requires daily medication. Nevertheless, Annette shares, "He's got a better attitude than probably anybody I know."

Looking Back

Over the years, Annette has received several mental health diagnoses, including borderline personality disorder, bipolar II disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder. From what Annette has read about bipolar and antisocial personality disorders, she does not think that the described symptoms fit her that well. On the other hand, she strongly agrees with her diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Regarding mental health treatment in general, Annette continues to believe that approaching treatment with the right attitude, wanting help, is key. "If you're just working against it […] it's definitely not going to work. Or you're not going to get as much out of it as you could." Additionally, Annette emphasizes the benefit of finding a counselor who is a good fit "for whatever reason" and can be of more help. For Annette, the passage of time has also helped substantially. She has gained perspective with age and recognizes that "everything isn't the end of the world." She observes, "I still get depressed. I still have issues, and by any means I'm not cured, but I'm definitely in a lot better mindset than I was then."